Kumquat Top Management Team Says "Stop Those Leaks Now!"
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Stop Press Leaks Now!
New Mandatory Corporate
Communication Security Guidelines
- The number one source of leaks is the unauthorized
redistribution of emails and other computer based communications.
Immediately cease the use of corporate email and web based systems,
except for personal, non-business communications.
- Paper based memos and private, bonded courier services and/or
courier pigeons should be used for all critical interoffice
communications.
- Cellphone communications are easily intercepted and cellphone
calling records easily traced. Do not use cellphones for any purpose
whatsoever. Corporate Finance will no longer reimburse any employee
below the level of President for cellular phone expenses.
- Internal corporate phone systems have been proven to have been
used in several recent serious press leaks. As a result, effective
immediately all phones will be removed from every Kumquat office,
with the exception of one pay phone which will be provided for
employee emergencies to be located in the lobby (assuming your site
has a lobby and has not been converted to the
New Corporate Office Standard).
- Codenames should be devised for all project codenames in order
to keep the actual codenames secret. Projects should be referred to
only by their codename's codename.
- Home phones and computers should not be used for any company
communications. It is recommended that you immediately cancel any
home phone, internet, broadband or cellular services in order to
fully comply with this guideline. Do not discuss Kumquat business
with your spouse or significant other. If your spouse or significant
other is also a Kumquat employee, do not discuss ANYTHING with them.
- All internal communications should be on a need to know basis.
Put another way, you should not communicate anything to anyone
unless that person has a need to know the information in question.
If in doubt, don't discuss anything with anyone.
- Press members have been known to attend customer events or pose
as customers. Therefore all customer events, visits and sales calls
should be cancelled to insure that no proprietary information is
revealed inadvertently. In the case of named corporate accounts or
national accounts, it is recommended that the senior most sales
representative meet with the senior most customer executive and
conduct any nondisclosure presentations using winks and nods.
- Thank you for your cooperation!
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