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Artists Rendering of the New Kumquat Computer Operated National Cartoon Warfare Center
 

 

 

 

 

  

Kumquat Government Services Group Announces $375M Contract from the US Department of Defense to Establish National Cartoon Warfare Center'

In light of recent worldwide developments which highlight the potential vulnerabilities of the United States to either a state sponsored or terrorist cartoon attack, the Department of Defense Office of Advanced Research Projects has awarded a $375 million contract to Kumquat Government Services to establish, staff and operate a National Cartoon Warfare Center and associated Humor Centric Warfare (HCW) Programs.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said "the world is entering a dangerous new era, where technology like the internet allows for rogue states to launch deadly cartoon attacks over thousands of miles without the need for advanced weapons delivery systems and practically without detection. Protecting the United States and its friends on this new playing field will require us to put together an agile first strike humor capability as well as an effective toon defense that recognizes this potentially complex  threat environment".

Kumquat Services VP Maryann Liverworst said "There is no other company in the world better suited to the task of developing and deploying weapons of  comic destruction (WCD) than Kumquat.  For example, we have a pool of marketing professionals who can easily be redeployed to joke writing with no retooling at all. Kumquat is pround to play this important new role in defending the Homeland as well as our nation's global interests."

The Cartoon Warfare Center will be located in the middle of the Mohave Desert in a site formerly occupied by the Acme Bomb Company. The facility will include advanced security features and state of the art environmental controls to protect the surrounding flora and fauna from any accidental release of partially formed jokes or dangerous rejected cartoon drawings.

The Center will house Kumquat employees as well as members of the Armed Services Joint Toon Task Force (ASJTTF) and the North American Humor Defense Command (NAHDC). It will consist of three areas:

  • Global Cartoon Threat Detection - advanced sensor technologies, integrated with global communications monitoring systems that link the center and the National Security Agency (NSA) will be able to locate, isolate and identify new cartoons that could pose a threat to the US or its allies with nearly instantaneous speed.  Automated translators and an advanced artificial intelligence system will rank cartoons based upon their objective funniness level allowing the prioritization of threat information in real time. In addition, the threat detection team will provide the Department of Homeland Security with a color coded overall global assessment of the world humor level which will be communicated to US law enforcement agencies and the general public:

 

 EXTREMELY FUNNY

 

 VERY FUNNY

 

 FUNNY

 

 MODERATELY FUNNY

 

 NOT FUNNY
  • Humor Defense Systems - when a threat is identified, teams in HDS will go to work immediately to analyze and deploy real time defense options. This may include counter strikes with precision cartoon attacks or rapid dissemination of anti-humor material that deflates the comedic impact of the threat. Program Manager Frances Fudd explains that a web of low earth orbiting satellites will be employed to launch humor suppression tactics. "We can blanket a 4000 square mile area with nothing but the Weather Channel within minutes"
  • Cartoon Combat Engineering & Development - here teams of engineers, humor project managers and joke translators develop and test new cartoons. Critical to this activity is the Multicultural Humor Impact Laboratory, which tests all cartoons against the DOD's 400 Step Humor Weapons Protocol Suite. A staff of lawyers from the Department of Justice and the Defense Department also reviews each cartoon to ensure that they fully comply with US and international law, as well as the Geneva Convention. Finally a review board ensures that jokes, parodies and cartoons that could legally fit the US military's strict new definitions as torture are discarded.  For economy reasons, the actual writing of jokes and drawing of the cartoons will be outsourced to several software consulting firms in India who were selected because of their strong experience in developing banking and customer service software.

The Center is expected to begin operation in early 2009.

 
 
 

Note this is a parody. All persons and corporations mentioned are fictitious.