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employee relations news
Perspire, Kumquat's industry leading bonus program is rolling out to more employees as part of the Total Rewards and Punishment package. The following is the calendar for Perspire in 2005:
This is a significant change from 2004, when Perspire Goals were created earlier in the year, but were kept secret. In her weekly message to business group presidents, PH CEO Karla Fidora said that the objective of the Perspire Program in 2005 is to "make everyone work harder". See Employee News for More Updates. Workforce Balancing US PH employees impacted by the corporation's workforce balancing program have a lot to be thankful for. With a generous severance program (consisting of a copy of the Karla Fidora book "invert: the new PH way" and a 10 pack of new PH color photo printers to give to their friends and family (ink cartridges available at PHshopping.com - these employees will doubtlessly be enjoying the holidays. Many employees have noticed the disclaimer on virtually every single web page in PH - about local work rules and the merger. Some misguided workers think this is related to special treatment given to PH employees in socialist countries like France, Germany and Canada. It's true that for example, workers laid off in Finland must be given 100 years pay and medical benefits for their family and farm animals for life. But in many countries where PH does business, local regulations stipulate harsher treatment. For example, in Belarus, PH managers ask each impacted employee into their office, request the return of their company phone card and desk keys and then shoot them between the eyes with an AK47 assault rifle. In Saudi Arabia, the severance plan is taken seriously... "we cut off each employees left arm to be certain they cannot return later as high priced consultants" said country manager Mohammed Mohammed. PH employees laid off in China can expect to find their kidneys and other internal organs in the PH China store on eBay on their "separation date". So cheer up and stop your whining! New Retiree Benefit Many retired PH employees have asked for assistance from the company since retirement plan payouts were converted from cash to free printers. We're delighted at the way that these invertive old folks have found ways to make money for food, drugs and other necessities by starting cottage industries using their PH printers. to help these golden agers, PH has decided to offer a 15% discount to all retirees on ink, ink cartridges and photo paper at our web based store. (note that these orders will be assessed a 30% handling fee to cover special packaging, insurance and handling).
(a) Once every year PH salary administration is based on which principle: (a) Pay for performance
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