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For Consulting (Managers) Only

Dear Kumquat Consulting Employee:

As incredibly valued members of the Kumquat family, I'm pleased to launch this new website entirely for communications within the Kumquat Consulting organization! Indeed when we were planning this site, I spent many, many hours in meetings with our IT organization trying to correctly target the audience for this site.

At first we all believed that most of the users would be Kumquat Consulting's fine individual contributors. But I realized after several weeks of meetings that due to downsizing and globalization, there are actually only 7 consultants left in Kumquat Consulting. And of course I remembered that none of them are allowed access to the corporate network anyway!

So we went back to the drawing board and created a site that would serve the needs of the 11,000 consulting managers across the company. I hope you enjoy the site and if you have any employees left, be sure to print a copy of this page and give it to them at their next performance review or their exit interview.

All the best,
Maryann Liverwurst

Q: As a consulting manager I'm becoming very concerned about the manager to employee ratio in Kumquat Consulting. I was in a recent area level meeting and I realized that there was a consultant present and only 240 managers. What is being done about this problem?

A: At corporate staff we are acutely aware of this issue and the impact that it is having upon the ability of managers to attend meetings and participate in conference calls. You can rest assured that we are working diligently to continue driving down the number of consultants in the organization, and we're hiring additional managers.

Q: I was at a meeting with a customer recently regarding a project to install Linux on a server. The meeting went very well. After building preliminary pricing matrices, setting up a risk assessment analysis conference call, completing the 47 step pre-engagement  planning process, entering the project into MetaPlan 3000 and answering the 7000 questions, completing a 400 page statement of work and delivering a 2000 page proposal and pricing it with the 24 way risk reduction protocol, the customer placed a purchase order.  The problem is that we have no resource to actually deliver the project. What should we do?

A: This is an excellent opportunity for you to take advantage of the new LINUX system software center of excellence in Legos, Nigeria. You will have to rewrite the statement of work in Swahili and use the Globalized Project Risk Assessment Protocol. Unfortunately, MetaPlan 3000 does not support Legos, so you will need to reenter the project into Microsoft Project on a Macintosh and create a FreeZip Archive on a PDP8 cartridge disk which can be sent via one week air express to Legos (unfortunately the center does not have internet access).  Also note that you will have to arrange with your customer for the international currency exchange and livestock immunization (the Legos center currently only accepts goats or chickens for payment).

Karla's Korner on Outsourcing

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